Sorry Not Sorry
It’s not news that people have short tempers these days and are happy to let you know just how pissed off they are. I’ve been known to be hyper-emotive myself, so I get the temptation to let all that anger out. But while there’s this idea floating around (thanks DT) that ‘telling it like it is’ is perfectly acceptable, I’m here to tell you it’s actually not okay to make other people feel bad.
It’s become glaringly obvious that we’ve lost the art of the apology. This would be an excellent thing to start teaching in kindergarten with regular review through at least the twelfth grade, so that by adulthood it would be second nature. Because we need to be better!
I’d also like to make the case that you might not be so aggravated all the time if you and I and the people around us understood how to make amends for the pain we cause.
My daughter Archer recently paid me a compliment that I’m holding close to my heart. To paraphrase, she said “One of your greatest parenting successes was to teach us to apologize properly.”
I don’t remember being taught the fine art of confessing regret, but somewhere along the line I seem to have gotten it. Since this is an increasingly rare skill among our populace, I offer these tips rules:
An apology is appropriate when you have hurt someone’s feelings.
I hear you beginning to protest, so let me be clear: It is absolutely immaterial that you did not intend to cause distress. Intent doesn’t matter. They are hurt, you did the hurting, it’s time to set things to rights.
A lot of people take issue with accepting responsibility for causing feelings of any kind in others. Guess what? We are social animals, we interact, and therefore we affect. Your ego may feel a little dented at the realization that you’ve caused someone else to feel a negative emotion. To your gentle ego I say, “Get over it.”
Saying or doing something hurtful does not make you a bad person, but refusing to address a problem you’ve caused is not a good look.
You have to use the right words.
Before we get started, here are a few things that do not constitute an apology: “I’m sorry you feel that way.” Or: “I’m sorry my (words, actions, etc.) upset you.”
That’s basically telling someone “I’m sorry you’re so sensitive/stupid/thin-skinned that you allowed my words to wound you.” I.e. “This is a you problem. Get the fuck over it.” Not okay!
Apologizing is the act of letting this person, quite often a friend or family member, know that you recognize that you’ve hurt them and that you realize that’s not okay. Shove the value judgments down a deep dark hole and be empathetic for a hot minute.
Some of you (I’m sure this isn’s actually you) have this idea that your friend or brother or co-worker has no right to their feelings if you have not sanctioned those feelings. This is not how humans work.
I tend to think that shame is the real culprit here; you feel terrible knowing you’ve upset your friend, so you jump to the protective brain’s best friend: defensiveness.
“I was having a bad day!” “You took it the wrong way!” “I’m a good person, stop making me look like the bad guy!” “Can’t you just take a joke?” And everyone’s all-time favorite: “You’re so sensitive!”
If defending your actions doesn’t seem like such a bad habit, I encourage you to read this from the Gottman Institute. Defensiveness will kill your relationships if you’re not careful.
If shame isn’t the problem, I suppose it might be a plain old lack of empathy at work. Spoiler: if you have no empathy for other humans you will soon find yourself friendless.
You may never, ever, under any circumstances, follow an apology with the word “But…”
Again, intent. It doesn’t matter that you were absolutely being pushed past your limit by hecklers, uncooperative tech, or homicidal drivers. If you hurt someone, you hurt them. End of.
You could say something along the lines of, “I’m sorry I let my boss’s petty tyranny get me so riled up that I took out my anger and frustration on you.” Note: this is only after you’ve made your apology. Because seriously, nothing takes the heartfelt out of the sorry like telling your victim exactly why you were justified in making them feel bad.
Here’s the thing you might not understand if you’re averse to apologizing: You’ll feel so much better afterwards. Only psychopaths and monsters thrive on the misery of others! You’ve made someone feel terrible, now you feel terrible. The only way to make you both feel better is to tell them that you’re sorry. It’s not hard! Look them in the eye, say, “I’m so sorry I hurt you.” Boom. Done. That brings us to:
Once you’ve given your apology, your part is done.
If the recipient doesn’t accept it, is still angry, fights back, etc., you’ve got to let it go. We don’t get to decide how other people feel. You might think your cousin is way too sensitive and shouldn’t have felt hurt in the first place. You may now feel that she’s vindictive because she won’t accept your apology gracefully.
Not yours to determine. Once you’ve given a genuine, kind, not-sarcastic apology, you’re finished. Please resist the impulse to say something like. “I’ve apologized! Why can’t you just get over it?” If you’ve done something egregious, your victim has every right to take as much time as they need to let you back in. Maybe they never will, but a solid apology is never wasted.
And that, my friends, is how it’s done.
So simple! And yet so profound. I’m not sure how we’ve collectively forgotten how to do this, but let’s get back on the peace train and practice some goddamned kindness, for heaven’s sake.