Is it a lie if you believe it?
I hope your day is that friend who would fly to Vegas on a moment’s notice to bail you out of jail, no questions asked.
Sometimes we lie to ourselves. Sometimes it’s not lying, exactly; we’re looking at a situation with a strong bias, or we only have one side of the story. Same with the things we’re told. A “liar” may not be telling an intentional untruth. She may be remembering things from her perspective and failing to note that it’s not the only one.
Once upon a time I had a friend who had a boyfriend. He’d had three marriages/long-term relationships, none of which had ended well. We, the 20-something friends of his girlfriend, lapped his stories up. He was older, and had experienced the travails of love in ways we had only imagined.
We listened with shock and distaste as he described the perfidy of these unnamed women. How could such a great guy have been ensnared by these harridans?
Time, of course, told a different story. He was prone to outbursts of temper, there were areas of his life in which he must have his own way, friends and lovers be damned.
In short, he was human. He’d made mistakes. I’m sure the women in his life made their share as well. He wasn’t lying to us; he was describing his life from his point of view.
It was a terrific lesson in listening between the lines. If you’ve only been married to terrorists, either you’re a terrible chooser or you’re not recognizing your own culpability. Now every time a friend tells me how misunderstood their current partner was by their earlier partners, my antennae quiver.
It’s the same with families. Over a year fraught with familial turmoil, I’ve been trying to see things from the other perspective. I won’t lie, it’s hard. The longer the interpersonal patterns have been in place, the more difficult it is to turn around and try to see things from another point of view.
Ouch, now I’ve got a crick in my neck.
Maybe it’s harder right now because the current national MO is to blamestorm from a position of moral authority? We aren’t what I’d call an introspective society, at least not here in the US of A.
Anyway, just a reminder to myself to take a beat and remember I’m not the only one in the room whose feelings matter.
Recommendation!
I never thought I'd say it, but I've been reading too much. Which mostly means listening to audiobooks when I should be thinking my own thoughts. So, okay, podcasts aren't maybe a whole lot different, but I'm titrating my audio experience as I wean myself off a constant stream of outside voices.
At least that's what I'm telling myself.
Anyway, I've rediscovered an old favorite, Radiolab, which is still causing wonderment and teaching me stuff about the world. This episode, a comedy-science mashup about animal intelligence, matches our theme this week, i.e., perspective shift makes all the difference.